Archive for the 'Humor' Category

Shakespeare Song Parody: Lady, It’s Warm Outside

Friday, December 28th, 2012

This is the 17th in a series of pop-music parodies for Shakespeare fans.

Enjoy!

Lady, It’s Warm Outside
sung to the tune of “Baby, It’s Cold Outside”

(With apologies to Cee-Lo Green, Christina Aguilera, and the many artists who have performed this seasonal classic duet…)

You venomous toad

Lady, it’s warm outside

Hey, just hit the road

Metaphorically warm outside

I’ve been left to lament

The winter of discontent

And I’m concerned

To glorious summer has turned

You’re a pitiless beast

Beautiful, that’s something at least

Give me leave to curse thyself

I feel even worse myself

And now I accuse thyself

Beautiful, I can’t excuse myself

May lightning strike you dead

These compliments will go to my head

My husband has died

Lady, not by my hand

But your regicide

That was not what I planned

You should be locked in a fetter

I know one place better

As I have said

It is beside you in your bed

I ought to say no, no, no, sir

Mind if I move in closer

Cursed be your future wife

Lady, I want it to be you in my life

I really can’t stay

Now, Lady, don’t storm out

‘Cause it’s warm outside

Now this king is dead

Your beauty gave me pause

And you killed my Ed

Your beauty was the cause

If I thought that

It really knocks me flat

My nails would rend

Don’t even start to pretend

My sister will disown me

Lady, have you ever really known me

My father will spin in his grave

In life, he was far more brave

It will dishonor my husband’s life

A better husband for his wife

I really don’t know what to say

You’ve nowhere else to go anyway

You deserve your reward

Lady, if you think it best

Say, lend me your sword

Drive it right through my chest

It’s not in me to kill

Say the word and I will

I have already said

In your rage, but now you have a clearer head

I wish I knew your heart

I will inter this king

You lied to me right from the start

Vouchsafe to wear this ring

I’m glad you have repented

I’m glad you have relented

‘Cause it’s warm outside

Shakespeare Autocorrect

Tuesday, December 25th, 2012


Shakespeare Song Parody: Fat Jack

Friday, December 21st, 2012

This is the 16th in a series of pop-music parodies for Shakespeare fans.

Enjoy!

Fat Jack
sung to the tune of “Tik Tok”

(With apologies to Ke$ha, and all the party people…)

Wake up in the morning feeling like H. Percy (Hey, what up, Hal),
Pounding in my head is gonna show no mercy (Let’s go).
Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of sack,
‘Cause once I start to drink I have to keep up with Jack.

I’m talkin’…

Hanging out with the boys (boys),
At the inn the gang enjoys (joys),
Scheming out all our ploys (ploys).

Can’t stop ‘cause
Gadshill’s acting prickly,
And Bardolph’s looking sickly,
Tryna get to Mistress Quick-ly…

Sweet Ned, gone to bed,
On the floor of the Boar’s Head.
Poor Nym, look at him,
He is filled up past the brim.
Fat Jack, on his back,
After drinking too much sack.

Oh-oh-whoa-oh
Oh-oh-whoa-oh

Sweet Ned, gone to bed
On the floor of the Boar’s Head
Poor Nym, look at him,
He is filled up past the brim.
Fat Jack, on his back
After drinking too much sack

Oh-oh-whoa-oh
Oh-oh-whoa-oh

Ain’t got a care in the world,
But got plenty of tales.
Ain’t got no money in my pocket,
But I am Prince of Wales.

And all the soldiers lining up,
‘Cause they know I have power,
But we kick them to the curb,
Unless they fight like Glendower.

I’m talkin’ ‘bout – Falstaff playing my Dad (Dad),
The best role he’s ever had (had),
But the ending is much too sad (sad).

He said not to banish him ill (ill)
But I said “I do, I will.” (will)
I said “I do, I will.” (will)
And he knows I will.

Sweet Ned, gone to bed,
On the floor of the Boar’s Head.
Poor Nym, look at him,
He is filled up past the brim.
Fat Jack, on his back,
After drinking too much sack.

Oh-oh-whoa-oh
Oh-oh-whoa-oh

Sweet Ned, gone to bed,
On the floor of the Boar’s Head.
Poor Nym, look at him,
He is filled up past the brim.
Fat Jack, on his back,
After drinking too much sack.

Oh-oh-whoa-oh
Oh-oh-whoa-oh

I know you all,
And will uphold
Your idleness,
‘Till I am king.
With my head up
I’ll banish Jack,
And won’t look back
When I am king.

I know you all,
And will uphold
Your idleness,
‘Till I am king.
With my head up.
With my head up.
With my head up.

But the party will stop when I am king…

Sweet Ned, gone to bed,
On the floor of the Boar’s Head.
Poor Nym, look at him,
He is filled up past the brim.
Fat Jack, on his back,
After drinking too much sack.

Oh-oh-whoa-oh
Oh-oh-whoa-oh

Sweet Ned, gone to bed,
On the floor of the Boar’s Head.
Poor Nym, look at him,
He is filled up past the brim.
Fat Jack, on his back,
After drinking too much sack.

Oh-oh-whoa-oh
Oh-oh-whoa-oh

Shakespeare Song Parody: Where We Belong

Friday, December 14th, 2012

This is the 15th in a series of pop-music parodies for Shakespeare fans.

Enjoy!

Where We Belong
sung to the tune of “All Summer Long”

(With apologies to Kid Rock, and whoever that is singing the version I downloaded from iTunes…)

It was 31 BC; I was a Roman far from home,
Leading troops of soldiers rank and file.
She was Egypt’s queen; she was a sight had to be seen,
As she rode her barge along the River Nile.

When messengers from Rome
Brought letters saying to come home,
Another man might yield to Caesar’s call.
But feeling what I felt,
I said “Let Rome in Tiber melt,
And the wide arch of the ranged empire fall!”

And we’d extravagantly dine,
Dissolving pearls into our wine,
Listening to flutes and harps and boys enjoined in song,
Ignoring letters from my wives,
And endangering our lives,
So we could be together, where we belong.

Drinking from one chalice,
Dancing in her palace,
Making love on a couch enrobed in silk,
Abandoning all cares,
Of political affairs,
While servants brought us honey, figs, and milk.

And we’d extravagantly dine,
Dissolving pearls into our wine,
Listening to flutes and harps and boys enjoined in song,
Ignoring letters from my wives,
And endangering our lives,
So we could be together, where we belong.

Well I gave her my last breath, and she joined me soon in death,
But what we gained was more than we had lost.
So if you hear this song, and you know where you belong,
Then you have to go, regardless of the cost!

And we’d extravagantly dine,
Dissolving pearls into our wine,
Listening to flutes and harps and boys enjoined in song,
Ignoring letters from my wives,
And surrendering our lives,
So we could be together, where we belong.

So we could be together, where we belong.

Shakespeare Song Parody: Glad You’re Tame

Friday, December 7th, 2012

This is the 14th in a series of pop-music parodies for Shakespeare fans.

Enjoy!

Glad You’re Tame
sung to the tune of “Glad You Came”

(With apologies to The Wanted, and all women…)

The sun comes up;
I say it’s true.
If I say “moon,”
It’s that for you.
That title “Shrew”
Will never be your name.
I’m glad you’re tame.

You used to whine for me, whine for me;
You tried to fracture my spine for me, spine for me;
But then I made you fall in line for me, line for me;
And now you always behave fine for me, shine for me!

Help me show off how,
How you’ve learned to know your place;
Place a little bet;
Bet you’ll win the race.
Race speedily out,
Out to where I call,
Call you out for all,
All to see I can make,
Make you glad you came.

The sun comes up;
I say it’s true.
If I say “moon,”
It’s that for you.
That title “Shrew”
Will never be your name.
I’m glad you’re tame.

I’m glad you’re tame.

Shakespeare Song Parody: The Death of Kings

Friday, November 30th, 2012

This is the 13th in a series of pop-music parodies for Shakespeare fans.

Enjoy!

The Death of Kings
sung to the tune of “Single Ladies”

(With apologies to Beyoncé, and people who don’t like song parodies…)

All the death of kings. All the death of kings.
All the death of kings. All the death of kings.
All the death of kings. All the death of kings.
All the death of kings. Now put your guard up!

Just come ashore (shore), losing the war (war),
Let’s talk of grave grim things.
Gather around (round), sit on the ground (ground),
To tell stories of the death of kings.
Some poisoned by wives (wives), or war claimed their lives (lives),
Some died of hypertension.
But when you supplant (plant), that simply can’t (can’t)
Be good for your country.

‘Cause if you liked it then you shoulda left the king on it.
If you liked it then you shoulda left the king on it.
Don’t be shocked when my heirs make a thing of it.
If you liked it then you shoulda left the king on it.

Whuh uh uh. Uh uh uh, uh uh uh, uh uh uh.
Whuh uh uh. Uh uh uh, uh uh uh, uh uh uh.

If you liked it then you shoulda left the king on it.
If you liked it then you shoulda left the king on it.
Don’t be shocked when my heirs make a thing of it.
If you liked it then you shoulda left the king on it.

I had soldiers to fight (fight), a clear divine right (right);
The Lord up in Heaven chose me.
Bolingbroke (brook), he came and took (took);
In he comes and out goes me.
Since your ascension, did I mention,
There’s significant dissention.
So you want your turn (turn), well now you’re gonna learn,
What follows when you come depose me.

‘Cause if you liked it then you shoulda left the king on it.
If you liked it then you shoulda left the king on it.
Don’t be shocked when my heirs make a thing of it.
If you liked it then you shoulda left the king on it.

Whuh uh uh. Uh uh uh, uh uh uh, uh uh uh.
Whuh uh uh. Uh uh uh, uh uh uh, uh uh uh.

Don’t think that things will be as they were before:
A bloody civil war!
The crown is what I have earned, what I deserve!
It’s a major travesty that’s a recipe for a destiny to a misery for your children’s kids and beyond…

As soldiers take up arms,
Inflicting massive harms,
More than you have ever known,
And like those kings, I’ll be gone.

All the death of kings. All the death of kings.
All the death of kings. All the death of kings.
All the death of kings. All the death of kings.
All the death of kings. Now put your guard up!

Whuh uh uh!

Shakespeare Song Parody: You Should Never Ever Trust a Bastard, Edgar

Friday, November 23rd, 2012

This is the twelfth in a series of pop-music parodies for Shakespeare fans.

Enjoy!

You Should Never Ever Trust a Bastard, Edgar
sung to the tune of “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together”

(With apologies to Taylor Swift, and bastards…)

I remember when we met up this last time.
You were my brother from another mother, cause like,
We hadn’t seen each other for nine years,
Because the bastard had to be sent away. (What?)

Then I come around again and say “Eddie,
Father’s angry and you need to run away. Trust me.”
Remember how I drew on you that day?
I said “You must leave,” I fought you, you took off, I screwed you.

Oooh, you’ve never really known my mind,
But oooh, this time I’m telling you, I’m telling you…

You should never ever ever trust a bastard, Edgar.
You should never ever ever trust a bastard, Edgar.
Our father’s lands were your lands, now those lands belong to me.
‘Cause you should never ever ever ever trust a bastard, Edgar.

Like, ever!

I always thought it seemed quite out of place
For one brother to be proper and one base,
But you always seemed to think it very fine
That your birthright was so much more rightful than mine.

Oooh, you’ve never really known my mind,
But oooh, this time I’m telling you, I’m telling you…

You should never ever ever trust a bastard, Edgar.
You should never ever ever trust a bastard, Edgar.
Our father’s lands were your lands, now those lands belong to me.
‘Cause you should never ever ever ever trust a bastard, Edgar.

You never knew it was I who wrote that letter, letter
Like I heard the king say “Never, never, never, never, never.”

Ugh, so he shows up and he’s like “draw thy sword.”
And I’m like… “this sword of mine will let your treasons rest forever.”
You know? You should never trust a bastard, Edgar.

Like, ever!

No!
You should never ever ever trust a bastard, Edgar.
You should never ever ever trust a bastard, Edgar.
Our father’s lands were your lands, now those lands belong to me.
‘Cause you should never ever ever ever trust a bastard, Edgar.

Shakespeare Song Parody: Gristle

Friday, November 2nd, 2012

This is the tenth of a series of pop-music parodies for Shakespeare fans.

Bon Appetit!

Gristle
sung to the tune of “Whistle”

(With apologies to Flo Rida and the faint of heart…)

Did you get some gristle, maybe, gristle maybe?
Let me know.
I used a different kind of meat that seemed more apropos.
You just grind the bones to powder and you cook it slow.
Did you get some gristle maybe, gristle maybe?
Let me know.

I heard you like sweet pies,
But I bet you’d like meat pies;
And so now take a look,
I’m dressed like a cook,
To invite you to eat pies.

You are, my gracious lord, welcome.
And, dread queen, you too are welcome.
Ye war-like Goths sure are welcome.
Lucius and all, you are welcome.

Hope you won’t complain;
Have some more champagne;
Have one more helping.
Every bite you savor
Carries a distinctively curious flavor,
But the truth is really much graver…

Did you get some gristle, maybe, gristle maybe?
Let me know.
I used a different kind of meat that seemed more apropos.
You just grind the bones to powder and you cook it slow.
Did you get some gristle maybe, gristle maybe?
Let me know.

Gristle, maybe? Gristle, maybe?
Gristle, maybe? Gristle, maybe?

You just grind the bones whole,
Then mix with blood in a bowl.
Make sure the paste is rolled.
Use a spatula to fold.
With just one hand to hold,
The dish is best served cold.

The vilest Vandal can’t hold a candle
To these two villains, so much more than I could handle.
So I baked them into pies from corona to sandal,
‘Cause you never want to mess with Titus Andro.
I fed them to their momma, and that’s the scandal.

So amusing, so if you get some gristle, it’s confusing,
When you see now how the pies are simply oozing
With the special kind of meat that I’ve been using.

Did you get some gristle, maybe, gristle maybe?
Let me know.
I used a different kind of meat that seemed more apropos.
You just grind the bones to powder and you cook it slow.
Did you get some gristle maybe, gristle maybe?
Let me know.

Gristle, maybe? Gristle, maybe?
Gristle, maybe? Gristle, maybe?

I killed your sons; you consumed them,
In the meat pies that entombed them.
You ate your kin; that’s so trippy.
Let’s call it a family, family, family recipie.
So, dread queen, now you know – oh oh oh.
It’s like that Sweeney Todd show – oh oh.

Did you get some gristle, maybe, gristle maybe?
Let me know.
I used a different kind of meat that seemed more apropos.
You just grind the bones to powder and you cook it slow.
Did you get some gristle maybe, gristle maybe?
Let me know.

Shakespeare Song Parody: Agamemnon Style

Friday, October 5th, 2012

This is the ninth of a series of Shakespeare-themed parodies of popular songs.

I’ve been contacted by the American Song Parody Regulation Agency (ASPRA) and apparently I’m in violation of federal statutes by failing to provide a parody of “Gangnam Style” in a timely manner. With this post, I hope to bring the blog back into compliance.

Enjoy!

Agamemnon Style
rapped to the beat of “Gangnam Style”

(With apologies to PSY, and his many fans…)

Agamemnon style!

‘Memnon style!

A legendary woman with a beauty like no other,
I competed and then won you for my royal younger brother,
For you to be his queen, his wife, and then his children’s mother,
But you left the King of Sparta for another.

And so please beware!
I’ll do the things I need to do for Greece and this I swear.
I had to sacrifice my daughter just to get us there.
I truly hate to interrupt your sordid love affair,
But you should prepare.

You were cared for, but let your heart roam.
Yes, you did, hey! Oh yes, you did, hey!
You were cared for, but let your heart roam.
Think on that, hey! Yes, think on that, hey!
As the face that launched a thousand ships sails home…
Agamemnon style!

‘Memnon style! Ag- Ag- Ag- Ag- Agamemnon style!
‘Memnon style! Ag- Ag- Ag- Ag- Agamemnon style!
Hey, get the lady. Ag- Ag- Ag- Ag- Agamemnon style!
Hey, get the lady. Ag- Ag- Ag- Ag- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey…

And now in spite of those offenses that have passed before,
Deliver Helen, that’s the only thing we fight you for,
Then shall the damage we’ve consumed within this cormorant war,
Stand between our nations never more.

Trojan offender, there!
Behold my fleet of ships approach in all their splendor there,
With former suitors bound by sacred honor to defend her there.
We’re engaged to fight until your forces all surrender there,
Then apprehend her there.

You were cared for, but let your heart roam.
Yes, you did, hey! Oh yes, you did, hey!
You were cared for, but let your heart roam.
Think on that, hey! Yes, think on that, hey!
As the face that launched a thousand ships sails home…
Agamemnon style!

‘Memnon style! Ag- Ag- Ag- Ag- Agamemnon style!
‘Memnon style! Ag- Ag- Ag- Ag- Agamemnon style!
Hey, get the lady. Ag- Ag- Ag- Ag- Agamemnon style!
Hey, get the lady. Ag- Ag- Ag- Ag- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey…

She’s not “of Troy,” not for you to enjoy.
Maybe, maybe, your fine city here I will destroy.

She’s not “of Troy,” not for you to enjoy.
Maybe, maybe, your fine city here I will destroy.

Agamemnon style! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey…

Hey, get the lady. Ag- Ag- Ag- Ag- Agamemnon style!
Hey, get the lady. Ag- Ag- Ag- Ag- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey…

Agamemnon style!

Top Ten Shakespeare Retrochronisms

Wednesday, October 3rd, 2012

Don’t worry if you don’t know what a retrochronism is. I just made the word up. But feel free to throw it around at the dinner table and the water cooler; it’s a thing now.

Let’s say an author from an earlier time period uses a term in a sense that’s appropriate to that author’s time period. Then, the author dies and the language evolves. New technologies are invented. Culture shifts. Later readers or audiences then interpret the term as used by the author through the lens of their own time period, and incorrectly think it means something entirely different from what the author could have possibly intended. That’s a retrochronism!

This is not to be confused with an anachronism, a term generally used to describe instances where an author uses something from his own time in a work that is set before that thing would have been possible or appropriate. Shakespeare has many such anachronisms, such as the clock striking in Julius Caesar. But a retrochronism is different. It isn’t a mistake by the author; it’s an accident of history.

We’ve had 400 years now to develop a few good examples for Shakespeare. The quintessential example is from Romeo and Juliet:

JULIET: O Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thou Romeo?

Most readers of this blog probably know that “wherefore” means “why” and not “where.” But this is far from obvious, and many newcomers to Shakespeare, entering his world through this play, assume she’s searching for him from her balcony. Who says “wherefore” anymore?

Another common example can be found in Hamlet:

HAMLET: Madam, how like you this play?

QUEEN: The lady doth protest too much, methinks.

HAMLET: O! but she’ll keep her word.

In Shakespeare’s time, “protest” meant to promise. But today we think of it in the opposite sense of a denial. So when people quote the line, they often mean that a person is denying something so much that it must be true. But Gertrude meant that the lady was promising so much that it must be false!

Those two examples are probably the most well known, but below are my ten favorites, culled from years of introducing kids to Shakespeare and from my own journey of working through the language.

TEN. Was Doll Tearsheet a One-Percenter?

DOLL: A captain! God’s light, these villains will make the word captain as odious as the word ‘occupy,’ which was an excellent good word before it was ill sorted: therefore captains had need look to it.

Playgoers who have attended productions of Henry IV, Part Two in the past year must have been taken aback by this statement, possibly even suspecting editorial interference for political purposes.

But in Shakespeare’s time, the word “occupy” was slang for having sex with someone. It’s enough to make you wonder what was really going on at Zuccotti Park after hours.

NINE. Did the Witches prophesy Kitty Hawk?

FIRST WITCH: Here I have a pilot’s thumb,
Wrack’d as homeward he did come.

Most modern audiences are familiar with the word “pilot” as meaning someone who flies an airplane, obviously not what Shakespeare meant in Macbeth.

The word “pilot” meant (and still means) someone who steers a ship.

EIGHT. Was Lord Capulet a pimp?

CAPULET: What noise is this? Give me my long sword, ho!

Here is one that comes up often when working with kids; this example from Romeo and Juliet is as good as any. Shakespeare had a lot of words for “prostitute,” but “ho” was not among them.

If you bring your voice up on the word, it’s an antiquated expression of zeal. If you bring it down, it’s a contemporary form of derisive address. Voices up, please.

SEVEN. Was Bottom a Lea Michele fan?

BOTTOM: Nay, I can gleek upon occasion.

Folks who are “Glee Geeks” might enjoy imagining Nick Bottom from A Midsummer Night’s Dream as one of them. He admitted he can “gleek” after all.

Sure, I’m being a little silly with this one, but why not? “Gleek” means to joke around.

SIX. Did Olivia have some work done?

OLIVIA: We will draw the curtain and show you the picture. [Unveiling.] Look you, sir, such a one I was as this present: is’t not well done?

VIOLA: Excellently done, if God did all.

OLIVIA: ’Tis in grain, sir; ’twill endure wind and weather.

Viola’s quip “if God did all” can set a Twelfth Night audience roaring if delivered just so. Does Viola suspect a little Nip/Tuck help is behind Olivia’s epic beauty?

Don’t start fitting Dr. 90210 for a doublet and hose just yet. Viola is merely making a reference to cosmetics.

FIVE. Was Hamlet a fan of Wayne’s World?

HAMLET: I did love thee once.

OPHELIA: Indeed, my lord, you made me believe so.

HAMLET: You should not have believed me; for virtue cannot so inoculate our old stock but we shall relish of it: I loved you not.

Again, this one came from the kids, though it was more common back in the ’90’s, when Wayne and Garth had more of an effect on the language.

Think of the line from Hamlet (and similar lines throughout the canon) as being delivered like this: “I loved you… NOT!” Yeah, they really used to do that… I kid you not.

FOUR. Was Feste creating a hostile work environment?

MARIA: Nay, either tell me where thou hast been, or I will not open my lips so wide as a bristle may enter in way of thy excuse. My lady will hang thee for thy absence.

CLOWN: Let her hang me: he that is well hanged in this world needs to fear no colours.

MARIA: Make that good.

CLOWN: He shall see none to fear.

Well hanged? Oh, no he didn’t!

Well, no he didn’t. It’s usually a safe bet to assume that any possible sexual innuendo was intended by Shakespeare, but Twelfth Night pre-dates the earliest known uses of the expression “well hung” to refer to a generous anatomical endowment. Plus, in the next line, Feste makes it clear he’s literally referring to a hanging. If the sexual pun were intended, why would Shakespeare have backed off the joke?

THREE. Did Ariel suffer from low self-esteem?

ARIEL: Where the bee sucks, there suck I.

Ouch. It’s not hard to convince high-school students that Shakespeare’s characters do, in fact, suck. But would Shakespeare have said so in The Tempest?

No. Bees, you see… eh, go ask your father.

TWO. Did the Porter invent a new art form?

PORTER: Knock, knock! Who’s there i’ the other devil’s name! Faith, here’s an equivocator, that could swear in both the scales against either scale; who committed treason enough for God’s sake, yet could not equivocate to heaven: O! come in, equivocator.

Rather than answering the knocking at the door, the Porter from Macbeth imagines himself as the Porter at the gates of Hell, and does some schtick about the various characters he might meet in that position. The expression “Knock Knock, Who’s there” is used to introduce new characters in his standup routine.

But if you’re expecting him to answer “Ophelia,” you’re going to have a long wait. The Knock-Knock joke as we know it is a twentieth-century creation.

ONE. Is Dromio of Syracuse a pothead?

DROMIO S: I am transformed, master, am not I?

ANTIPHOLOUS S: I think thou art, in mind, and so am I.

DROMIO S: Nay, master, both in mind and in my shape.

ANTIPHOLOUS S: Thou hast thine own form.

DROMIO S: No, I am an ape.

LUCIANA: If thou art chang’d to aught, ’tis to an ass.

DROMIO S: ’Tis true; she rides me and I long for grass.

Zing! Dromio’s jonesing for some weed! The Comedy of Errors is a drug play!

But not really. Dromio just longs for the freedom of greener pastures. Grass means grass, baby. However, the “she rides me” part probably does mean what you think it means.

So those are my ten favorite retrochronisms from Shakespeare. Did I miss any? Feel free to add to the list!