Real life or parody? Sometimes, I can’t tell the difference anymore. That’s when it’s time for the Headline Game.

Below are two headlines from CNN.com and two headlines from The Onion. Can you spot which are the real headlines and which are the fakes?

1. Ancient boy’s skeleton sparks evolution debate
2. Mysterious Congressman announces dark horse candidacy
3. Thousands lose jobs as Michigan unemployment offices close
4. World’s oldest newspaper now exists only online

Note: CNN Headlines taken from front page of CNN.com; headline of actual story may differ. Capitalization on the Onion headlines changed to match CNN.

Answers: Story 1, Story 2, Story 3, Story 4

How did you do?

I had so much fun at last week’s picnic, I thought I’d have another. But this time I’m using a different rule when deciding whom to invite. You may find this one a bit more challenging than last week’s rule, but all of the invited guests do have something in common:

• I’m inviting MARY SHELLEY, but not PERCY BYSSHE SHELLEY.
• I’m inviting GEORGE BERNARD SHAW, but not OSCAR WILDE.
• I’m inviting QUEEN ELIZABETH II, but not QUEEN ELIZABETH I.
• I’m inviting MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR., but not MALCOLM X.
• I’m inviting TOM CRUISE, but not DUSTIN HOFFMAN.
• I’m inviting MADONNA, but not JEWEL.
• I’m inviting COURTENEY COX ARQUETTE, but not JENNIFER ANISTON.
• I’m inviting BARACK OBAMA, but not HILLARY CLINTON.
• I’m inviting GEORGE W. BUSH & DICK CHENEY as well as BILL CLINTON & AL GORE, but not RONALD REAGAN & GEORGE H.W. BUSH.

I thought it might be fun to do some Shakespeare readings at the picnic, but only plays named for people who fit the same rule:

• We will be reading JULIUS CAESAR, but not MACBETH.
• We will be reading ANTONY & CLEOPATRA, but not KING JOHN.
• We will be reading KING HENRY VIII, but neither KING HENRY IV play.
• We will be reading KING RICHARD III, but not KING RICHARD II.

Have you figured out the rule? If so, please don’t post it. Just post one or two additions to the list to show us you got it, and to give an extra hint to later solvers.

UPDATE: The solution is now posted in the comments.

I was talking to some colleagues about the upcoming Get Smart movie, and I had to be honest. I don’t have very high hopes.

I was a big fan of the television series, and the movie will have a hard time living up to that. I think Steve Carrell and Anne Hathaway are both good casting choices, both for talent and for box office appeal, but without the creative team from the series (Buck Henry, Mel Brooks), I worry that the movie might seem derivative.

It’s not easy to make a good movie from a television series, and it seems like Hollywood doesn’t even try anymore. They just want to hijack the brand identity of a vague, but pleasant memory to create another mediocre blockbuster. Look at all of the terrible TV show-based movies that have come out in the last ten years or so. But people recognize the name, and so they go to see the movie, expecting to relive their memories of watching those shows from long ago.

In some cases, television shows do make good movies. South Park made for a much better movie than anyone had a right to expect. But that was from the same creative team that did the show, so let’s put that aside for a moment. I did enjoy the first Mission: Impossible movie on its own terms, but as an action/adventure movie, not as a faithful adaptation of one of my favorite shows. If you hold it to that standard, the movie failed. The hero wasn’t even part of the original series. The villain was the hero of the original series. What’s up with that? I have to confess that I enjoyed the Brady Bunch Movie a great deal, but that was a parody, so I don’t know if we can count that.

It seems even more difficult to turn a movie into a successful TV series. Of course, M*A*S*H and The Odd Couple come to mind. I’ve never seen Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but I’ve heard good things.

What makes a successful adaptation from television to movie? Should the goal be to reach out to established fans from a previous generation, or to redefine the essential elements of the original for an audience of a new age? Can a movie that has a beginning, middle, and end, really be extended into a television series without compromising its integrity? Or does the film remain immune to whatever experimentation happens on the small screen?

And some shows that I remember from childhood as being of very high quality are almost unwatchable to me now. If a film were to be made of one of those shows, it might be considered charitable to rework it.

But I digress. On to the Question of the Week:

What, in your opinion, have been successful crossovers between film and television (in either direction), and what lessons do these successes have to teach those who would follow?

Before clinical depression was first diagnosed, a person afflicted with the condition was referred to as melancholy. It was believed that our physical and emotional states were determined by the distribution of the four humours, or bodily fluids, each of which had a different effect if it fell out of balance. If you had an excess of black bile, for example, you were melancholic, and would seem moody and sad. Today, we understand this to be depression, but in Shakespeare’s time, the humours were the best science of the day, and the affliction was called melancholy.

Melancholy can be found throughout Shakespeare. Don John begins Much Ado About Nothing in a sadness. Hamlet is definitely depressed, and is often given the nickname The Melancholy Dane. You might argue that they both have reason to be. But Antonio’s first line of The Merchant of Venice, in fact the first line of the play, “In sooth, I know not why I am so sad,” leaves little doubt that Shakespeare was familiar with the concept of clinical depression by another name.

After Hamlet, perhaps the most famous melancholic in Shakespeare is Jaques from As You Like It. He is referred to in the play as “the melancholy Jaques” and even seems to take some pleasure in the description himself. From this, we might gather that he is depressed as well. But I would actually argue that he’s bipolar.

Bipolar disorder (which also used to be misdiagnosed as melancholy) is characterized by extreme mood swings between depression and bursts of manic energy. People with bipolar disorder used to be called manic depressive. And even though it wasn’t known about in Shakespeare’s time, Shakespeare must have been aware of different ways that “melancholy” affected certain people, and wrote Jaques as bipolar. How else can we explain the outburst by “the melancholy Jaques” in the beginning of Act 2, Scene 7:

A fool, a fool! I met a fool i’ the forest,
A motley fool; a miserable world!
As I do live by food, I met a fool;
Who laid him down and bask’d him in the sun,
And rail’d on Lady Fortune in good terms,
In good set terms, and yet a motley fool.
“Good morrow, fool,” quoth I. “No, sir,” quoth he,
“Call me not fool till heaven hath sent me fortune.”
And then he drew a dial from his poke,
And, looking on it with lack-lustre eye,
Says very wisely, “It is ten o’clock;
Thus may we see,” quoth he, “how the world wags:
“Tis but an hour ago since it was nine,
And after one hour more ’twill be eleven;
And so, from hour to hour we ripe and ripe,
And then from hour to hour we rot and rot,
And thereby hangs a tale.” When I did hear
The motley fool thus moral on the time,
My lungs began to crow like chanticleer,
That fools should be so deep-contemplative,
And I did laugh sans intermission
An hour by his dial. O noble fool!
A worthy fool! Motley’s the only wear.

Does that sound depressed to you? Does it sound neutral? Or does it sound manic? In addition to the numerous exclamation points, the exaggerated repetition (used as an emphatic) and run-on sentences (notice how many lines begin with “And”) seem to indicate manic speech patterns. Hamlet doesn’t have any speeches like that, or if he does, they are soliloquies, and can be more closely equated to the thoughts racing through his own mind than to his behavior in public.

Depression is marked by listlessness and inaction. Hamlet is almost defined by his inaction. He is withdrawn and other characters must come to him. But throughout As You Like It, Jaques actively seeks out relationships and interactions with the other characters, first with Amiens and the other lords, then with Touchstone (off-stage), then with the Duke Senior and his assembly, then with Orlando (!), then with Touchstone again, then with Ganymede/Rosalind (!!), and finally with Duke Frederick (!!!). He may be bitter and dismissive, but he can hardly be called aloof or withdrawn. When we first hear of Jaques, he is being mocked by his friends for his melancholy, but their story is of an extremely compassionate and sensitive soul who weeps for a wounded deer.

Jaques: Melancholic, Misunderstood, Bipolar.

Oh yeah, and Bottom from A Midsummer Night’s Dream clearly has adult ADHD with delusions of grandeur. A topic, perhaps, for another time.

Hey, it’s one of those wacky Internet polls! I’ve never taken one of these before. This should be fun. Okay, first question…

Do you favor personal savings accounts as a voluntary part of Social Security Reform?

Oh, wow. I was expecting an easier first question. But, okay. Well, I guess I already have all of the voluntary personal savings accounts I need. That’s what makes them voluntary. Maybe a more productive discussion would be whether or not Social Security needs reform before we start talking about what should be a voluntary part of it. I’ve been involuntarily paying into it my entire working life, so I think I’d like to voluntarily receive the benefits when I retire. So I worry, when the Grover Norquists of the world start talking about personal savings accounts, that I won’t get my benefits.

There is a small group of people who have a whole lot of influence whose solution to everything is lower taxes on the rich, privatize everything, and let the free market sort it out. Sometimes that works better than other times. Markets are really good at picking winners and losers, but when it comes to our senior citizens, I’d prefer to stick with our current system, since it benefits everyone. It’s also why I support public education over a voucher system. I think I’d like to move on to the next question now, if that’s okay.

Do you favor an increase in retirement age as part of Medicare reform?

There’s that “reform” word again. With one word you’ve implied into existence a problem that may or may not have a basis in reality. Could the problem be that the idea of a government actually taking care of its citizens is somehow repulsive to you, Mr. Internet Poll Writer? What is that dark place inside you that makes you turn a blind eye to the suffering of your neighbors? And how can we help you?

It’s true that people are living longer and at some point we may wish to raise the retirement age. I wouldn’t even consider it, though, until every American has health care. If we’re going to ask our citizens to stay in the workforce longer, we have to help them stay healthy longer, and that means affordable well-care visits for everyone. Who’s with me?

Should Medicare have an element of means testing?

I don’t know; what kind of Internet poll is this? I’ve known enough people who are relatively comfortable financially, who have been knocked completely out of the box by an unexpected illness, so I’m going to give a preliminary answer of no. I’d be interested in hearing the counter arguments, though.

Do you favor opening up Arctic National Wildlife Refuge to oil and gas exploration?

If by “exploration” you mean “drilling,” then no, I do not favor it. If you just want to explore the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, feel free! I’ve heard it’s magnificent. Perhaps I will explore it myself if I should happen to visit Alaska for next year’s Bard-a-thon. (I have no idea how close ANWR is to Fairbanks, but Alaska being huge, that may have read as very funny to my new friends and readers up north.) But I’m starting to sense where you’re coming from, oh sneaky, sneaky Internet poll, and I’m pretty sure you mean “drilling.”

How do you propose expanding Health Savings Accounts?

I’m sorry, what? I’m new to this whole Internet poll thing. I have no proposal for expanding Health Savings Accounts, nor do I necessarily think they should be expanded. As I said above, I’m in favor of a universal health care system, perhaps a single-payer system. But making all health care costs tax deductible might be a nice interim compromise. What do you say?

Do you favor giving citizenship to those who are in this country illegally?

Oh, that’s a good question. In principle, I do, but I would want to hear non-partisan expert opinions about the practical ramifications of doing such a thing. Regardless, I do believe that whatever decision we make should apply to immigrants of all nations, not just North American ones. This is not an easy question, and it doesn’t have easy answers, but I’m proud to live in a country that is a melting pot of cultures, and I think it would be the American thing to do to find a way to work this out.

Should the United States send troops to stop the genocide in Darfur?

Well, I worry that our military is already overextended in Iraq. But yes, if it’s possible for us to do so, we should do what it takes to stop the genocide in Darfur. If that means sending troops, then so be it, but there are other resources and methods available to the world’s lone remaining superpower. What has the President done? What is he willing to do? Where is his plan?

Will you make the Presidents tax cuts permanent?

Will I make them permanent? This is a very strange Internet poll indeed. I do not expect to have the power to do that, but if I did, I would not. They favor the wealthy to such an extreme that it makes me wonder if the President is really in touch with the working man. There has been some improvement in the economy, but I don’t think there’s any evidence that the improvement is a direct result of the tax cuts, and I don’t believe it is. But even if you believe that, there’s no reason to believe that making them permanent would continue to have the same effect.

Would you favor elimination of the death tax?

I would not favor the elimination of the estate tax, no.

Would you support a flat tax?

No. Is anyone seriously proposing this?

Do you support President Bush’s plan for Iraq?

The troop surge? I support his plan in that I hope it’s successful. I don’t know if it’s the right thing to do, but I do like it better than “stay the course.” I was against this war from the beginning, but since we’ve invaded, I’ve been rooting for victory. I think this war has been conducted with a great deal of incompetence, but I like a lot of the changes in direction that the Bush administration has put into place since the midterm elections, maybe as a result of them, maybe not.

I do think we’d be much, much better off today if we had never gone into Iraq. That’s a position that’s starting to gain some support. I basically said what I needed to say in an earlier post and I still think the idea of strategic redeployment has promise.

Will you seek to meet with the leaders of Syria or North Korea or Iran?

While I am quite the autograph hound, I don’t think I will seek to add those names to my collection, no. I have to say, I’ve never seen an Internet poll quite like this.

Should the United States end the embargo of Cuba?

Yes, absolutely. I never understood the embargo, and – as always – it’s the people who suffer, not the leaders. With Fidel Castro stepping down, we should take advantage of the opportunity to end the pointless embargo.

Well, as Internet polls go, that one certainly was … oh, wait a minute. That wasn’t an Internet poll at all! That was a list of questions that Senator Bill Frist posed to Senator Hillary Clinton and any other Democrat running for President. He’s trying to trap her into publicly taking unpopular positions! And in doing so, he’s trapped me into doing just that!

Oh, well played, Senator Frist. Well played, indeed.

Feel free to use the comments thread to answer any of Senator Frist’s gotcha questions, or to respond to any of my (or someone else’s) answers. Unless, of course, you’re running for president, or ever plan to. In that case, you may quickly navigate away from this page, and don’t forget to clear your cache!

A few days ago, I included a long discussion about the brain in a post about Daniel Tammet, the mildly-autistic, but highly-savant “Brain Man” of Britain. I’m aware that some of you may still have some questions about the way the brain is configured. As a public service, it is my pleasure to provide this illumination from one of the world’s leading authorities on the brain.

First, read the rules of the game. There are some minor clarifying edits to the rules this week.

This week’s challenge will be the world’s most famous groundhog weatherman, Punxsutawney Phil.

I was able to link Punxsutawney Phil to Sir Francis Bacon in six degrees, though that shouldn’t stop you from posting a longer response, or looking for a shorter one. Entries will be accepted until midnight on Thursday, February 8.

Good luck!

And congratulations once again to Lee for winning last week’s challenge by linking Chuck Hagel to Sir Francis Bacon in four degrees:

Chuck Hagel > Ronald Reagan > Richard Nixon > William Shakespeare > Sir Francis Bacon

Chuck Hagel was nominated in 1981 to serve as Deputy Administrator of the Veteran’s Administration by Ronald Reagan, who supported the 1960 presidential candidacy of Richard Nixon, who in high school showed a penchant for the writings of William Shakespeare, who is believed by some to be Sir Francis Bacon.

I’m the rain that keeps home the most brazen parader;
On a car or a plane, I’m a wind-speed degrader;
I’m the Niners in football; in polling, Ralph Nader;
And I leak it that Luke is the son of Darth Vader.

Who am I?

UPDATE: Riddle solved by Ro. See comments for answer.