I’m a pillar of stone that is bearing some weight;
I exist in Excel; while in Word, you create;
Writer’s work run in print at a regular rate;
And a thin strip of soldiers all trained to march straight.

Who am I?

UPDATE: Riddle solved by Asher. See comments for answer.

From Measure for Measure:

Pray you, my lord, give me leave to question; you
shall see how I’ll handle her.

Shift around the letters, and it becomes:

Oh my! Senator Paul’s soliloquy whine? He moved level-eyed Hillary to argue.

A friend asked me if I was going to do song parodies for all of Shakespeare’s plays.

I don’t know if I can commit to that right now, but if I were going to do it, at some point I’d probably have to resort to something like this.

Enjoy!

The Title
sung to the tune of “The Fighter”

(With apologies to Gym Class Heroes, Ryan Tedder, and every teacher who ever had to put up with me…)

Yo!

I want to tell you about these two key men.
It’s not a tale of one or three men.
I don’t think these are identical twin men,
But I do know at the least that they are kinsmen.
A kinsman’s a relation, you know, like a cousin.
You could have a few or you could have several dozen.
These men are related to more than a few men,
But please remember there are only two men.

And not just two kinsmen, but these two are noble,
A big deal for a culture not socially mobile.
And these two noble kinsmen can get into adventures,
And that’s why Shakespeare and Fletcher wrote this play.

You’ve a parody up ahead,
About a play you haven’t read.
You have lyrics to fill;
How you gonna do it?

Shakespeare fan, Bard lover,
Judge that book by its cover.
A few words, takes no time,
It is clear to me, clear to me, clear to me:
It’s in the title; it’s in the title,
Right in the title.
It’s become clear to me, clear to me, clear to me:
Just read the title.

Noble’s like a duke or prince,
And if they’re both noble it kind of makes sense,
Because noble was something that came from birth,
Not like today when we talk about inner worth.

So if one kinsman’s noble, the other is, too.
If your kinsman’s noble, then so are you.
And there are exactly two: don’t add a third,
And a single kinsman is absurd.

You’ve a parody up ahead,
About a play you haven’t read.
You have lyrics to fill;
How you gonna do it?

Shakespeare fan, Bard lover,
Judge that book by its cover.
A few words, takes no time,
It is clear to me, clear to me, clear to me:
It’s in the title; it’s in the title,
Right in the title.
It’s become clear to me, clear to me, clear to me:
Just read the title.

Everybody hold your books up!
What’s that cover say? (Hey!)
What’s that cover say? (Hey!)
What’s that cover say? (Hey!)
What’s that cover say? (Hey!)

You want jokes about Arcite and Palamon (you do!).
But you won’t find them in the tale I’m on (come on!).
‘Cause I’m still a big phony;
I just read the dramatis personae.

Shakespeare fan, Bard lover,
Judge that book by its cover.
A few words, takes no time,
It is clear to me, clear to me, clear to me:
It’s in the title; it’s in the title,
Right in the title.
It’s become clear to me, clear to me, clear to me:
Just read the title.

You’ve a parody up ahead,
About a play you haven’t read.
You have lyrics to fill;
How you gonna do it?

My soul belongs to God, I know;
I made that bargain long ago;
He gave me hope when hope was gone;
He gave me strength to journey on.

Who am I? Who am I?

UPDATE: Riddle solved by Bronx Richie. See comments for answer.

I hope you’re as excited as I am for Shakespeare Uncovered, “a new six part PBS series combining history, biography, iconic performances, new analysis and the personal passion to tell the story behind the stories of Shakespeare’s greatest plays.”

I served as a member of an Advisory Board convened by the producing station—New York City’s WNET—to help develop a comprehensive suite of free online educational resources based on the series, which I’m told will soon be available to high school educators on the series website. I’ll post another link once they’re up.

The series premieres this Friday, January 25th. In the first episode, Ethan Hawke takes us on a dark and dangerous journey through the psychology, history, and artistry of Shakespeare’s Macbeth. Watch Hawke make breakthroughs in his understanding of the character he’s always wanted to play, even as he accidentally damages a priceless First Folio on camera. Travel to Dunsinane to see what we can discover about this historic setting. Explore the relationship between the Macbeths and peer into the minds and hearts of killers. Learn about how the passions, words, and themes of Shakespeare are relevant to our lives even today.

Sounds pretty sweet, right? And that’s just the first episode. Whether you’re interested in the poetry, history, or biography of Shakespeare, you won’t want to miss this series. Check your local PBS listings for dates and times of the rest of the episodes.

Watch Macbeth with Ethan Hawke on PBS. See more from Shakespeare Uncovered.

New research from Liverpool University shows that Shakespeare (and other classical writers) can stimulate the brain. For me, what stood out from earlier studies, was the attention to the duration of the phenomenon:

The study went on to test how long the effect lasted. It found that the “peak” triggered by the unfamiliar word was sustained onto the following phrases, suggesting the striking word had hooked the reader, with their mind “primed for more attention”.

This means that if you’re experiencing a work by Shakespeare, who is constantly throwing these poetic curve balls, you can sustain the brain boost over long periods of time. I’ve certainly experienced this sensation many times. I’ll basically go to see any Shakespeare play, regardless of the venue, just so I can hear these words spoken to me. I participate in a monthly Shakespeare reading group, and feel the effect even more profoundly when I am the one reading the words.

Even seeing the text written can do the job, though I often pause a lot when reading and so the pace isn’t necessarily the same. But the research shows an increase in reflection as well, so perhaps that’s a different manifestation of the effect. I subscribe to a Twitter feed that only tweets the plays themselves, one line every ten minutes like clockwork. Every now and then I’ll hit a familiar line and feel the brain bolt. I don’t know why that should be, but I get my shot to the brain all the same.

If I’m doing something that requires no mental attention, I’ll listen to an audio lecture. If I’m doing something that requires my full attention, I’ll listen to music. But if I’m doing something tedious that needs some focus but provides no mental stimulation, I’ll listen to Shakespeare. I’ll typically choose an audio production that I’ve listened to many times before, so I don’t need to be an engaged audience member the whole time. But I find that I can keep my conscious mind engaged on the task much more easily if my subconscious mind is swept away on a wave of poetic bliss. And when a line or two does drift into my awareness, I know the play well enough that I can enjoy it out of context, much like I do the Twitter feed. I get the hit without having to break my stride.

This is your brain on Shakespeare. Any questions?

From Richard II:

Or if it be, ’tis with false sorrow’s eye,
Which for things true weeps things imaginary.

Shift around the letters, and it becomes:

Manti Te’o’s prior Internet girl, if he wishes, was a screwy fib.

It’s foggy how hurt he is.

This is a bit of a departure from the series format, but I hope you’ll enjoy it.

I’m Henry VIII, I Am
sung to the tune of “I’m Henry the Eighth, I Am”

(With apologies to Herman’s Hermits and anyone who gets this stuck in their heads all day…)

I’m Henry VIII, I am.
Henry VIII I am, I am.
I got married to a princess from Spain,
To give me an heir to extend my reign.
But she couldn’t give a son to Henry (Henry!).
She only put a daughter in the pram (The Pram!).
Not good enough for Henry…
Henry VIII I am!

Second verse, same as the first!

I’m Henry VIII, I am.
Henry VIII I am, I am.
I got married to my first wife’s maid;
We fell in love at the masquerade.
But when she gave a daughter to Henry (Henry!),
I realized that our marriage was a sham (A Sham!).
It’s unwise to disappoint Henry…
Henry VIII I am!

Third verse, same as the first!

I’m Henry VIII, I am.
Henry VIII I am, I am.
I got married to a woman named Jane;
I’d gotten quite used to the ball and chain.
But she didn’t stay long for Henry (Henry!).
Childbirth had left her in a jam (A Jam!).
At least she left a son for Henry…
Henry VIII I am!

Fourth verse, same as the first!

I’m Henry VIII, I am.
Henry VIII I am, I am.
I got married to a Duchess named Anne;
A treaty with our marriage was the master plan.
But she was a shock to Henry (Henry!).
That portrait done by Holbein was a scam (A Scam!).
This is no wife for Henry…
Henry VIII I am!

Fifth verse, same as the first!

I’m Henry VIII, I am.
Henry VIII I am, I am.
I took a blooming rose to be my bride,
She was a bit on the younger side.
But she went back to her boyfriend before Henry (Henry!),
And neither of their lives were worth a damn (A Damn!).
You don’t run around on Henry…
Henry VIII I am!

Sixth verse, same as the first!

I’m Henry VIII, I am.
Henry VIII I am, I am.
I got married to the widow next door;
Together we’d been married seven times before.
But she was a good wife to Henry (Henry!),
Doing all the things a good wife does (Wife Does!).
She even outlived Henry…
Henry VIII I was!

Henry VIII I was, I was;
Henry VIII I was!

I’m the signal encoding a transmission cloaks;
The dispatching of jets an incursion provokes;
I am stirring a pan, mixing egg whites and yolks;
And a run that a quarterback quickly invokes.

Who am I?

UPDATE: Riddle solved by Bronx Richie. See comments for answer.

From King Lear:

No, they cannot touch me for coining; I am the king himself.

Shift around the letters, and it becomes:

Theory of minting that uncommon coin: if he likes change…